Who are you?

My illusive - elusive self is up to no good and causing me constant grief. Understanding  which of who I am, who I was, and who I want to be is an ongoing struggle that I am not alone in.

I was reading comments on my facebook from years ago and I didn't recognize my own voice within them. I think that startled me a little bit. For a while, I've been lamenting what I've felt was my prime being over. Now I just feel that I'm still chasing my "prime", maybe hints of it existed in past moments of my life.

I am a muddy person right now, unsure of what the definitive version of myself looks like, maybe I'm just "primordial soup".  At some point I put a mask on and hid myself from everyone, I can't say I'll be back because the person who will take off the illusive mask, is someone I haven't met yet.

I should rename my blog .. honestly

I know my last couple of posts.. if not most my posts have been nothing short of being angry/depressed or whiny. I should rename my blog to a lament a day and start talking like Eeyore.

Welcome to my sad or miserable post. Topic of today will be my visit to get a bra fit.
Dressing rooms are the modern day iron maiden, you get to be squashed mentally by images of yourself and seeing how short fat and squatty you really are, and how you have small head attached on top of that. That's my experience anyway. That and seeing a photo of myself taken by someone else in which I think I  look like the Wicked witch with a pot belly.

For the few who have known me for a while, you would know at one point in my life I weighed 93lbs and thought I was still fat. I got older, I gained all of it back and then some, and told myself I'll be OK, and I am better than starving myself, or hating myself as I go for a 45 min run. I guess the conclusion I have come to is that I seem to dislike myself no matter what, skinny, fat, it doesn't matter.

When I am told I should just like myself because I am liked, or I have good qualities, somehow I feel like I don't deserve it. I have wanted to start a YouTube channel for a while, and although there are people who are older, bigger, smaller, you name it, they all have the courage to get on there to talk about what they love and dislike. I can't get myself on there, not just because I'm afraid of being bullied but because I just feel like I don't deserve it, I'm not enough.

I have been exercising, it has done very little to truly boost my mood. I have this fear that my body is just going to keep getting bigger no matter what I do. I don't want to put myself through crazy extremes like I did when I was 21-23. I want to like myself above all else.

P.S. I used to do watercolor self portraits at the time. I was asked if I was narcissistic for doing it, if I thought I was pretty or anything. Truth is, I just wanted to like myself enough to look in the mirror and feel like "Hey it's not so bad." As time went on I've really stopped drawing myself, I can't look at myself like that anymore. I need help. I want friends. I'm sorry if this is too depressing. I've been through a lot in my life, I don't get to talk about it really. I can't talk about all of it either. I know I'm not the only one in this world with strife or struggle in my life. I'm just trying to ask for someone to be my shitty day buddy.

Thanks to anyone that read this 

I'm sorry but I haven't let this go just yet.

I know what you're thinking "Seriously? we're still on this? Don't feed the trolls." but you know, for old ranting's sake, I just have to say something more about this. 

First of all Jacob, I used my own money for that notebook you decided to write on, so I would have appreciated you thought about what you were writing before you did it. Also I'd like to point out if anyone knows who Jacob really is, I'd like them to know how I truly feel about their response. 

We are at the age of the internet where everyone has an opinion and trolling is a standard to be expected. I get it, there will always be that person. That's not what's dogging me about this. I've been bullied, teased, and what not, I've moved on but this is personal. 

I'm sorry it took you 5 mins to realize you didn't like the responses I gave to the questions I've been asked. It only took me months to put all this work together, but your 5 min after thought or disdain for my opinions on a place I lived in for over 20 years of my life, really confuses me. 

Would you like a solid response to what I think is a good response to:

1. What are women supposed to get out of being covered from head to toe? 

The same thing someone is supposed to get out of wearing a bikini or a thong. Or here let my list a whole bunch of things:

- Nationalism (yes believe it or not in some countries the burqa is a national dress)

- Protection from the sun ( I know you're thinking, it's black, it's hot, but it does protect you from the sun none the less.)

- A feeling of safety (it's funny how women struggle with that, with or without a headscarf, in or outside of the Middle East)

- Piety (connected with religious beliefs, a given)

- Fashionable (yes there is Abaya fashion, and a style to wear it)

Do I need to go on?

2. What are the pros and cons of wearing an abaya or it being enforced?   The laws behind wearing a headscarf are for that country to decide, not for some ordained "enlightened" perspective forced upon another people because you're uncomfortable with it and one more thing ..  HAVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT FOR THE WOMEN WHO DO CHOOSE TO WEAR A HEADSCARF BECAUSE IT IS WHAT THEY BELIEVE IN, AND FOR THE WOMEN WHO HAVE WORN IT DESPITE THEIR OPPOSITION TO IT, HAVE RESPECT FOR THEIR STRENGTH.

3. Is it a war zone because off ISIS? Not every part of the Middle East is a war zone. Let me just by extension say that the Middle East is a large place, each country has it's own way of life that is unique to it. We're not a wash of color for you to generalize and stereotype. So yea in agreement to your "comment" There could have been a better way to represent the Middle East, but my work wasn't about representing all of the Middle East, it was about representing an aspect of the Middle East, my own life, my own UNIQUE personal experience. It isn't FAIR to even say my work represents the Middle East as a whole, it does not. 

4. How do I feel about the military presence in the Middle East? It's exactly how I responded, I don't get to have an opinion that matters. I don't get to make that decision, or do anything to change it. That is a privilege I wasn't born to. The military is there by allowance of a power out of my reach. I can kick and scream and protest, or I can agree, it wouldn't change a thing.

Those are the biggest questions that were asked. I'm not going to answer every single one because overall it would be a novel and I'm not here to type that out. I am angry, I am pissed, and I know Jacob isn't losing sleep over what he wrote to me, and that's ok. I hope he doesn't lose sleep, I don't wish him ill. I just wish him better understanding in the future.

I wanted to do this series because I wanted to feel empowered by the grey area I had lived in for so many years. I wanted to feel proud of who I was as a unique individual, torn between many different ideals that don't quite fit here nor there. I have felt smothered by being unable to speak at either side, I'm not Arab enough or I'm not Westernized enough, I never have a say in anything. This comment made me feel like again I don't get to have a voice or opinion, towards my own life.

One final thing, 

There could have been a better way for you to phrase what your wrote in my book, and to represent yourself.