I know my last couple of posts.. if not most my posts have been nothing short of being angry/depressed or whiny. I should rename my blog to a lament a day and start talking like Eeyore.
Welcome to my sad or miserable post. Topic of today will be my visit to get a bra fit.
Dressing rooms are the modern day iron maiden, you get to be squashed mentally by images of yourself and seeing how short fat and squatty you really are, and how you have small head attached on top of that. That's my experience anyway. That and seeing a photo of myself taken by someone else in which I think I look like the Wicked witch with a pot belly.
For the few who have known me for a while, you would know at one point in my life I weighed 93lbs and thought I was still fat. I got older, I gained all of it back and then some, and told myself I'll be OK, and I am better than starving myself, or hating myself as I go for a 45 min run. I guess the conclusion I have come to is that I seem to dislike myself no matter what, skinny, fat, it doesn't matter.
When I am told I should just like myself because I am liked, or I have good qualities, somehow I feel like I don't deserve it. I have wanted to start a YouTube channel for a while, and although there are people who are older, bigger, smaller, you name it, they all have the courage to get on there to talk about what they love and dislike. I can't get myself on there, not just because I'm afraid of being bullied but because I just feel like I don't deserve it, I'm not enough.
I have been exercising, it has done very little to truly boost my mood. I have this fear that my body is just going to keep getting bigger no matter what I do. I don't want to put myself through crazy extremes like I did when I was 21-23. I want to like myself above all else.
P.S. I used to do watercolor self portraits at the time. I was asked if I was narcissistic for doing it, if I thought I was pretty or anything. Truth is, I just wanted to like myself enough to look in the mirror and feel like "Hey it's not so bad." As time went on I've really stopped drawing myself, I can't look at myself like that anymore. I need help. I want friends. I'm sorry if this is too depressing. I've been through a lot in my life, I don't get to talk about it really. I can't talk about all of it either. I know I'm not the only one in this world with strife or struggle in my life. I'm just trying to ask for someone to be my shitty day buddy.
Thanks to anyone that read this
Welcome to my sad or miserable post. Topic of today will be my visit to get a bra fit.
Dressing rooms are the modern day iron maiden, you get to be squashed mentally by images of yourself and seeing how short fat and squatty you really are, and how you have small head attached on top of that. That's my experience anyway. That and seeing a photo of myself taken by someone else in which I think I look like the Wicked witch with a pot belly.
For the few who have known me for a while, you would know at one point in my life I weighed 93lbs and thought I was still fat. I got older, I gained all of it back and then some, and told myself I'll be OK, and I am better than starving myself, or hating myself as I go for a 45 min run. I guess the conclusion I have come to is that I seem to dislike myself no matter what, skinny, fat, it doesn't matter.
When I am told I should just like myself because I am liked, or I have good qualities, somehow I feel like I don't deserve it. I have wanted to start a YouTube channel for a while, and although there are people who are older, bigger, smaller, you name it, they all have the courage to get on there to talk about what they love and dislike. I can't get myself on there, not just because I'm afraid of being bullied but because I just feel like I don't deserve it, I'm not enough.
I have been exercising, it has done very little to truly boost my mood. I have this fear that my body is just going to keep getting bigger no matter what I do. I don't want to put myself through crazy extremes like I did when I was 21-23. I want to like myself above all else.
P.S. I used to do watercolor self portraits at the time. I was asked if I was narcissistic for doing it, if I thought I was pretty or anything. Truth is, I just wanted to like myself enough to look in the mirror and feel like "Hey it's not so bad." As time went on I've really stopped drawing myself, I can't look at myself like that anymore. I need help. I want friends. I'm sorry if this is too depressing. I've been through a lot in my life, I don't get to talk about it really. I can't talk about all of it either. I know I'm not the only one in this world with strife or struggle in my life. I'm just trying to ask for someone to be my shitty day buddy.
Thanks to anyone that read this
