On a serious note.

Frustration is an eminent force within my very being. (poetic I know) This is because of many reasons, ones that I shall be selective in speaking about publicly but in today's case I'm not feeling too shy in voicing it.

I'm an international student in an ART school. I don't think I'm Michael Angelo or by any means a prodigy. I consider myself to be a creative person in search of the skills I need to finally say what I've been dying to say  eloquently. Seeing as how my country is restrictive in it's admittance of Artwork and the big taboo of nudity, I decided coming back to my college would be the best choice for me. I didn't want to draw vegetables - not that they aren't beautiful up close! but I really REALLY want to get better at drawing the anatomy.

Sure of course I can be self taught but really I don't learn very well that way and in fact I would argue no one learns better that way - an extra set of eyes is always helpful.

Here I am at the climax of my story, full of emotion and I'm ready to express and ready to experiment and what happens? I spend 6 hours of my day reading for my humanities classes, which by the way are worth more credits than the 2 studio classes I'm taking.

I'm angry. On a scale of 1-10 how much do I feel like I'm learning something beneficial towards my field in the arts? 1 being not at all and 10 being 100% effective. I would say -10.

Yes I'm learning that the United States government puts it's interests ahead of basic human rights and that wealth distribution in the United States is not equal. Tell me something I don't know - I'm living this!

I want to learn how to draw a body in better proportion. I want to learn to draw faster and become more proficient at doing it. I want to learn how to paint less sloppily. I want to mix media and make bigger work.
I want to learn new molding techniques  and find new materials to work with. I WANT TO GET BETTER AT ART NOT READING OR WRITING RESEARCH PAPERS.

Am I in the wrong school? I'm starting to feel like it. Funny how I crossed an ocean to come to a country that I ran from for the very thing I'm learning in these humanities classes - I lived it. I'm living it, I'm going to continue to live it. I want to say something about it. SO FOR FUCKS SAKE CORNISH CAN I LEARN HOW TO DO THAT BETTER WITH ART?

As a side note - to the 1 unnamed studio class I am taking - I swear if I hear one more teacher say "If you don't understand something look at youtube." I will make a complaint to the board of the school that I shouldn't be paying money for that class. Teach me! I WANT TO LEARN ART.

Reality VS Expectation

We've all seen the tumblr gifs and pictures. The truth is we all set high expectations and at some point have found ourselves disappointed in the results. Whether it's weight loss goals or scholastic excellence it's hard to judge yourself fairly when you want so much! It's incredibly easy  to be a bully as well.

After a week of on and off days of feeling shitty and congested I was looking forward to joining my friends at a convention that celebrates a rainbow of colored wigs and costumes. By proxy I would be fulfilling my older brothers wish to attend this event as well. Today was the day to Carpe my Diem.

Well reality is my sinuses decided to crappeh my diem. I fell asleep for far longer than I expected and was gagging at the - ok too much detail.

This disappointment is really bringing out my brains inner Nikki Minaj.

No not that one.

Something like that yes.

This one.

Sometimes your brain is the stupid hoe. It expected you to leap over a mountain and you had barely jumped a fence.
So I did what any tired and congested person would do - I went to rite aid - spent the price of a ticket on some antihistamine, chocolate, netti pot, baby oil - too far ?

YOU A STUPID HOE YOU YOU AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH WHY!?!! make it stop!!! 

Sweet SINsation

BAM!

IN YOUR FACE!

Yes, for the third day in a row I have indulged in non kosher, non skinny, sinful joy. MWAH.

Should I feel guilty? Truly should I feel guilty for eating something I enjoy? I could have done worse.

Don't worry I'm still eating my vegetables but I'm not going to listen to any preaching.

Of course where I come from the swine is nein and is considered a gateway food to sin, to hell, and fire. When in truth it's just a gateway to high cholesterol and fat. Not to disrespect those who follow a religion devoutly. I have lost my faith a long time ago and it hasn't reclaimed me nor shall I reclaim it. It continues to drive me further away from what I felt and still feel as a judging choke upon my life.

Joy is only welcome here - judgement is not. 

So extreme dieters GTFO

Religious bigots - seriously GTFO

I deserve a little bit more happiness so you know what else I'm going to do?

Indulge - in some music and video gaming AND LAZINESS. 

The annual communion of anime loving humans has begun and I am missing out. Now that is sacrilege right there. It's a crime against humanity that I'm not there. I'm missing out on full figured Sailor Moons and toys.. TOYS!!! ; ; 

SODA is a personal sin. It gives me heartburn, oh so painful heartburn. 

BACON! I'M OUTTA HERE!! SNIFF!!

I leave you with the song that's been in my head all day:

Small Joys and even Smaller ones

After one feels violated at a doctors office one must remedy their mood with joy. I've experienced several small joys today after being rained on by fatigue and anxiety.

A couple of years ago there was a sidewalk with huge apple blossom trees. They were beautiful in the spring, and their smell was intoxicating. You would feel like you were in some sort of cartoon surrounded by a field of flowers until you hit the sidewalk.

 I came back to Seattle to find that those trees were removed.
To my happy surprise I found some on another sidewalk today.The trees are not as big but hey .. the smell was there. And for once this week my sinuses were actually cleared enough for me to smell something.

ANYWAY - on to the real stuff.
You know how to make yourself feel better? INDULGE BABY. Reward your unhappiness with an extra lb of love- handles.

That's right! I marched into Yellow Leaf and went after that delectable cupcake I had the other day. OH I was so ready to buy two.

Is it just me or are they MUCH smaller than the one I had yesterday?
They only had bite size. So I did what any sad person would do - I bought all the remaining ones and added a chocolate one to just seal the deal.
Yeah - I'm the boss.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

And now - to stuff my face.

Hypochondriac Wednesday

Being female makes me feel like I'm a hormonal time bomb. Being congested makes me feel like my head is in a pickle jar. Sprouting moles make me feel like I'm fertilized soil with worms and fungus. Stomach problems make me feel FAT.

Mix that cocktail together and you have one unhappy FATTEH.
I wonder what that drink would look like alcohol wise - I would definitely serve this after a long day of work/school/life.

You know what would make all this feel so much better?

CUPCAKES.

Guess what? It is HEAVEN... until you inhale it then you wish you hadn't.
WHY oh WHY... did I just get 1?

Don't judge me!

Ninja Cross Cultured Childhood

Any Arab (at least within the gulf region) growing up in the late 80's or early 90's would immediately recognize the following names if recited to them:

Grendizer
Mazinger
Kabamaru/Ninja Boy
Voltron
Senshiro
Heidi Girl of the Alps

The list goes on really.
Lots of Japanese animated shows were dubbed in Arabic. It was awesome really - it broadened my cultural perspective without me being aware of it. Of course somethings were lost in translation for example I had no idea that riceballs were savory or that they were even riceballs. They looked like buns of awesome doughy goodness to me.

As adults we tend to bury our heads into what needs to be done and who we're trying to be. Time goes by and suddenly it's like that scene from Amelie where Bretodeau finds his childhood box of treasures.

Last night I stumbled into this:

This my fellow friends is Grendizer.

I'm so stoked that I found this - that I'm going to buy this shirt for myself and my older brother.
I really don't believe we embrace adulthood - we try to but in truth we need to embrace our youthfulness.
Think about it, when you were a kid you were more honest with yourself about your emotions.
You loved Grendizer and he made you feel like you could be the next hero.

These not so little joys are worth holding on to.
Here's a tribute to my Arab friends:

P.S. Here is the link to the T-Shirt page:
http://www.redbubble.com/people/eozen

Lazy Dayquil Afternoon

Among my many pleasures in life ranging from love, color, to watching guinea pigs on youtube for hours, there's nothing like a lazy afternoon.

It's a Saturday and I'm on a large dose of Dayquil. I'm 5'1 and a half so 2 pills are a lot for me. I'm in a daze and I'm happy. The sun is out, there's some pretty little clouds out there and I'm chilling to some awesome music.
Sometimes I like to sunbathe on days like this.

This is slowly starting to make me feel like a cat. Oh if everyday was like this I wouldn't have a care in the world!!! I would continue to sing along like a drunk to sappy songs or Daft Punk.

Haaaah...

MAKE THIS LAST FOREVER !!!!!

SUNDAY DON'T YOU DARE COME!!

OH SHIT IT'S HAPPENING!

I want to leave you off with a link to my current playlist on youtube - it may not be everyone's cup of tea but here it is: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL640843E49F55F388

P.S. What does your "lazy afternoon" look like?

Tunnelvision

Falling asleep at 2 am when you know you have to be awake at 7:30 in the morning is exactly what college mentality will do to you.

 Sure some people can survive on less hours of sleep but from my understanding of how my body functions (regardless of what I try to force it to do) 9 hrs are the "umami" of my sleep schedule. If I do not fulfill my body's wishes it then activates "Safe Mode".

Safe Mode is very limited - and 4 hours in the video lab at school staring at a computer screen in that mode tends to have this effect on you:

You turn around and you realize none of the teachers or students are there anymore.

And then you walk out of class....

But the reality is you look like this:

Who are you?

I'm not sure how much the world truly needs and wants to know about me.
There's a lot I can say of course that can fill in the blanks:

Where I'm from
How old I am
My gender

Key points right? But there's always way more to that. I can't even begin to sift through it all.

Yesterday in one of my classes I was asked to come up with 4-6 ideas
for a portrait the size of my palm. I was told it could be representational it didn't
necessarily have to be of me.
It dawned on me that I don't particularly know what defines me -

You see I am at a Limbo in my life, almost in every aspect of it.
I've moved away from home to come to a place that I ran away from in fear.
I'm here now but I'm not the same girl I was before.

I used to be someone I felt was closer to who I truly am supposed to be.
Then that springs up the question - who am I supposed to be?

Truth is - I don't know anymore and it's hard to even look at myself so
Where do I begin?

AHEM!

My name is Fatima  فاطمة

I will not specify where I am from exactly but I will say I am Arabic.
I have decided to start this blog because I need an outlet.
I am an Art Major (you'd think that would be a great outlet but school doesn't help so much sometimes).

This isn't the most profound blog entry - it is a test!
I will begin to type out my soap opera of a life soon -

So to quote Scar from the Lion King and yes that includes the musicality of it:

BE PREPAAAAARED!!