This post is a response the Cornish College of the Arts Art and Design BFA show
(oh god I just put a piece if IcyHot Balm on my tongue thinking it was a piece of bread from my breakfast... FUCK YOU KEYBOARD gawd.. fuck *spit spit spit*)
Walking through the galleries I had many mixed feelings, some of my own insecurity and some of pure epiphanies and some of pure suffocation due to the smell of sweat, booze, and unshowered beings maneuvering in such a small space.
There were some pieces that truly stood out for me and spoke to me on a personal level - that's not discredit some amazing pieces that were just amazing !!! just - AMAZING.
Let me speak about the ones that got me thinking:
Looking Up by Jo Fitzgibbon
Part of Jo's presentation was writing on a wall to enable you to connect with other people.
So for example the word "Love" was posted on the wall and you were to use one word to describe how you feel about love.
Love - if I were to describe love it would be "Safe"
What I mean by that is, you should feel safe in love, love shouldn't harm you and if it does - it's not love?
I'm sure people have a different perspective of this but when it comes to myself and my experiences I need love to be that safe place instead of the turbulent one I live in already. Calling my self hazing love or other people's controlling fantasies love is a sham to me.
Moving on to the next couple of pieces would be the array of many portraits done by various artists:
I love portraits. I find them to be very expressive and how generic does that sound? Well they are damn it! I mean lots of things can be emotive too not just the face but...... FACE!!!
I have been enamored by portraits for a longtime as I have indulged in making many self portraits in previous years.
I've only done two this year which is very little for me - my original intent was to do a watercolor color portrait a day (yes that is where I got the idea for my title from).
While talking to a friend last night about portraiture I realized something that's been eating away at me since school ended: "I am not in a place of self love right now". I'm also in complete anxiety over seeing my family this summer.
Someone once asked me if narcissism was the reason I painted self portraits. This question always rings in my head and not because I believe it's true but rather because a part of me wishes it were true. It may not be evident but I do have a bit of social anxiety. When I am in public I feel extremely self conscious to the point that I am afraid of others and what they think of me. From what I wear, to the pores on my face, to the hairs on my body - I put myself under a microscope that then morphs into a kaleidoscope of "imperfections" that I slowly but surely use to eat away at my happiness.
I've been taught by the best, I've been taught by the penetrating gaze of Arabs to check my flaws. People say the the Abaya is supposed to hide your body so you aren't judged by it. If not by the eyes of men then by the eyes of women it shall be judged!
There is a specific person in my life who I love very much but I can't bring myself to out. This person really notices every little flaw on me and tells me. I know they only try to mean well by it but I have suffered in silence because of this. Love should be safe. Love should be safe! It shouldn't drive you to want to starve yourself to feel loved. It shouldn't shame you if a part of your body changes overtime. Love should feel so safe - it can't be love if it isn't safe.
Looking at myself is hard. It's not easy because I see it all at once, the pores, the hairs, the weight, the flaws all the flaws. It's a continuous avalanche of reminders that I am Arab, that my flaws are unwanted, that I have so many, that I have to keep working at them or else - I will not be enough.
Portraits helped me look at myself even when I felt unworthy of love. They taught me to look at myself in a different way aside from pores, hairs, and scars. They taught me to try and love myself for what I am in whatever moment.
Walking through the galleries I had many mixed feelings, some of my own insecurity and some of pure epiphanies and some of pure suffocation due to the smell of sweat, booze, and unshowered beings maneuvering in such a small space.
There were some pieces that truly stood out for me and spoke to me on a personal level - that's not discredit some amazing pieces that were just amazing !!! just - AMAZING.
Let me speak about the ones that got me thinking:
Looking Up by Jo Fitzgibbon
Part of Jo's presentation was writing on a wall to enable you to connect with other people.
So for example the word "Love" was posted on the wall and you were to use one word to describe how you feel about love.
Love - if I were to describe love it would be "Safe"
What I mean by that is, you should feel safe in love, love shouldn't harm you and if it does - it's not love?
I'm sure people have a different perspective of this but when it comes to myself and my experiences I need love to be that safe place instead of the turbulent one I live in already. Calling my self hazing love or other people's controlling fantasies love is a sham to me.
Moving on to the next couple of pieces would be the array of many portraits done by various artists:
I love portraits. I find them to be very expressive and how generic does that sound? Well they are damn it! I mean lots of things can be emotive too not just the face but...... FACE!!!
I have been enamored by portraits for a longtime as I have indulged in making many self portraits in previous years.
I've only done two this year which is very little for me - my original intent was to do a watercolor color portrait a day (yes that is where I got the idea for my title from).
While talking to a friend last night about portraiture I realized something that's been eating away at me since school ended: "I am not in a place of self love right now". I'm also in complete anxiety over seeing my family this summer.
Someone once asked me if narcissism was the reason I painted self portraits. This question always rings in my head and not because I believe it's true but rather because a part of me wishes it were true. It may not be evident but I do have a bit of social anxiety. When I am in public I feel extremely self conscious to the point that I am afraid of others and what they think of me. From what I wear, to the pores on my face, to the hairs on my body - I put myself under a microscope that then morphs into a kaleidoscope of "imperfections" that I slowly but surely use to eat away at my happiness.
I've been taught by the best, I've been taught by the penetrating gaze of Arabs to check my flaws. People say the the Abaya is supposed to hide your body so you aren't judged by it. If not by the eyes of men then by the eyes of women it shall be judged!
There is a specific person in my life who I love very much but I can't bring myself to out. This person really notices every little flaw on me and tells me. I know they only try to mean well by it but I have suffered in silence because of this. Love should be safe. Love should be safe! It shouldn't drive you to want to starve yourself to feel loved. It shouldn't shame you if a part of your body changes overtime. Love should feel so safe - it can't be love if it isn't safe.
Looking at myself is hard. It's not easy because I see it all at once, the pores, the hairs, the weight, the flaws all the flaws. It's a continuous avalanche of reminders that I am Arab, that my flaws are unwanted, that I have so many, that I have to keep working at them or else - I will not be enough.
Portraits helped me look at myself even when I felt unworthy of love. They taught me to look at myself in a different way aside from pores, hairs, and scars. They taught me to try and love myself for what I am in whatever moment.
Love is safe.
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