I have been quiet, or at least it feels so. For a while I have felt like speaking a truth has just been painful.
Too painful to be worthwhile. I always seem to end up crying and well crying in public is not exactly something I want to do, or care to do. I don't want to be "that person". I treat myself like I am "that person".
I found that lately I just cloth myself in whatever is convenient and doesn't accentuate - me. The more I hide myself the less I have to deal with the things that bother me about myself, or what bothers people about me.
I can be quiet and I can just slip away without anyone noticing.
It's startling when I talk to people who love me, like family, or friends. They get excited to see me, or be around me, which is a wonderful thing however I haven't been in a place of excitement for myself lately. What once felt like love from people who cherish me, suddenly feels like people drowning me. I am told left and right what I 'should' or 'shouldn't' do . I get lost in the sway of left and right, exhausted and dizzy. I just leave. I'm happy I'm loved, but I'm not happy with being smothered by it.
I'm 28. It's painful saying it, not because I feel old, but rather because I feel like I'm 16, and still being told what to do. Maybe I've just given my identity away to other people. The common saying "going with the flow" - I was once told there was a flipside to that, which is that "only dead fish go with the flow."
It's been a while since I've felt like the dead fish going with the flow.
A couple of weeks ago, I was attending several student presentations for school and by the end of all of them I realised that I felt like I was choking on air. My throat was tight, and I felt like I was about to just burst into tears for what seemed like no apparent reason. Teachers were trying to make conversation with me and I was trying to dash out as quickly as possible so I could get home and just exhale.
While people presented I kept feeling like a blanket was being put over my face, or that I was in a straitjacket. I panicked.
I'm doing a sculpture piece/video piece on being wrapped up. It has many many connotations for me, but I'm sure when I get there and present, it will appear as though I "half assed" it. What is said in my silence, or introversion could never equate to importance. I'd like to think it does, but let's be real here for a moment, people say they need to hear everything, but when they do, they just try to smother it. So what's the use of being honest when you're just going to shame it?
Too painful to be worthwhile. I always seem to end up crying and well crying in public is not exactly something I want to do, or care to do. I don't want to be "that person". I treat myself like I am "that person".
I found that lately I just cloth myself in whatever is convenient and doesn't accentuate - me. The more I hide myself the less I have to deal with the things that bother me about myself, or what bothers people about me.
I can be quiet and I can just slip away without anyone noticing.
It's startling when I talk to people who love me, like family, or friends. They get excited to see me, or be around me, which is a wonderful thing however I haven't been in a place of excitement for myself lately. What once felt like love from people who cherish me, suddenly feels like people drowning me. I am told left and right what I 'should' or 'shouldn't' do . I get lost in the sway of left and right, exhausted and dizzy. I just leave. I'm happy I'm loved, but I'm not happy with being smothered by it.
I'm 28. It's painful saying it, not because I feel old, but rather because I feel like I'm 16, and still being told what to do. Maybe I've just given my identity away to other people. The common saying "going with the flow" - I was once told there was a flipside to that, which is that "only dead fish go with the flow."
It's been a while since I've felt like the dead fish going with the flow.
A couple of weeks ago, I was attending several student presentations for school and by the end of all of them I realised that I felt like I was choking on air. My throat was tight, and I felt like I was about to just burst into tears for what seemed like no apparent reason. Teachers were trying to make conversation with me and I was trying to dash out as quickly as possible so I could get home and just exhale.
While people presented I kept feeling like a blanket was being put over my face, or that I was in a straitjacket. I panicked.
I'm doing a sculpture piece/video piece on being wrapped up. It has many many connotations for me, but I'm sure when I get there and present, it will appear as though I "half assed" it. What is said in my silence, or introversion could never equate to importance. I'd like to think it does, but let's be real here for a moment, people say they need to hear everything, but when they do, they just try to smother it. So what's the use of being honest when you're just going to shame it?
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