:/

It's always hard to be honest about how you really feel. I'm not talking about the simple likes and dislikes of an ice cream flavor. I'm talking about how you feel about yourself, your life and the choices you've made that have shaped you.

I thought I really wanted to go straight into an MFA program right after my BFA since well I've dinged the big 30 already. There's a part of me though that just wants to settle down and live my life.
I don't want to prove anything to anyone anymore. I'm tired and I just want to be - well me. But it feels like I can't do that without paying some big price.

I'm a bit lonely, not that I am alone, just lonely in my thoughts and personal struggles. I don't openly talk about many things to people. It's hard, I wear so many masks. I never want to feel like I need a mask but I do and it's suffocating. I feel so claustrophobic.

Adults out there.... help me... 

Who are you?

My illusive - elusive self is up to no good and causing me constant grief. Understanding  which of who I am, who I was, and who I want to be is an ongoing struggle that I am not alone in.

I was reading comments on my facebook from years ago and I didn't recognize my own voice within them. I think that startled me a little bit. For a while, I've been lamenting what I've felt was my prime being over. Now I just feel that I'm still chasing my "prime", maybe hints of it existed in past moments of my life.

I am a muddy person right now, unsure of what the definitive version of myself looks like, maybe I'm just "primordial soup".  At some point I put a mask on and hid myself from everyone, I can't say I'll be back because the person who will take off the illusive mask, is someone I haven't met yet.

I should rename my blog .. honestly

I know my last couple of posts.. if not most my posts have been nothing short of being angry/depressed or whiny. I should rename my blog to a lament a day and start talking like Eeyore.

Welcome to my sad or miserable post. Topic of today will be my visit to get a bra fit.
Dressing rooms are the modern day iron maiden, you get to be squashed mentally by images of yourself and seeing how short fat and squatty you really are, and how you have small head attached on top of that. That's my experience anyway. That and seeing a photo of myself taken by someone else in which I think I  look like the Wicked witch with a pot belly.

For the few who have known me for a while, you would know at one point in my life I weighed 93lbs and thought I was still fat. I got older, I gained all of it back and then some, and told myself I'll be OK, and I am better than starving myself, or hating myself as I go for a 45 min run. I guess the conclusion I have come to is that I seem to dislike myself no matter what, skinny, fat, it doesn't matter.

When I am told I should just like myself because I am liked, or I have good qualities, somehow I feel like I don't deserve it. I have wanted to start a YouTube channel for a while, and although there are people who are older, bigger, smaller, you name it, they all have the courage to get on there to talk about what they love and dislike. I can't get myself on there, not just because I'm afraid of being bullied but because I just feel like I don't deserve it, I'm not enough.

I have been exercising, it has done very little to truly boost my mood. I have this fear that my body is just going to keep getting bigger no matter what I do. I don't want to put myself through crazy extremes like I did when I was 21-23. I want to like myself above all else.

P.S. I used to do watercolor self portraits at the time. I was asked if I was narcissistic for doing it, if I thought I was pretty or anything. Truth is, I just wanted to like myself enough to look in the mirror and feel like "Hey it's not so bad." As time went on I've really stopped drawing myself, I can't look at myself like that anymore. I need help. I want friends. I'm sorry if this is too depressing. I've been through a lot in my life, I don't get to talk about it really. I can't talk about all of it either. I know I'm not the only one in this world with strife or struggle in my life. I'm just trying to ask for someone to be my shitty day buddy.

Thanks to anyone that read this 

I'm sorry but I haven't let this go just yet.

I know what you're thinking "Seriously? we're still on this? Don't feed the trolls." but you know, for old ranting's sake, I just have to say something more about this. 

First of all Jacob, I used my own money for that notebook you decided to write on, so I would have appreciated you thought about what you were writing before you did it. Also I'd like to point out if anyone knows who Jacob really is, I'd like them to know how I truly feel about their response. 

We are at the age of the internet where everyone has an opinion and trolling is a standard to be expected. I get it, there will always be that person. That's not what's dogging me about this. I've been bullied, teased, and what not, I've moved on but this is personal. 

I'm sorry it took you 5 mins to realize you didn't like the responses I gave to the questions I've been asked. It only took me months to put all this work together, but your 5 min after thought or disdain for my opinions on a place I lived in for over 20 years of my life, really confuses me. 

Would you like a solid response to what I think is a good response to:

1. What are women supposed to get out of being covered from head to toe? 

The same thing someone is supposed to get out of wearing a bikini or a thong. Or here let my list a whole bunch of things:

- Nationalism (yes believe it or not in some countries the burqa is a national dress)

- Protection from the sun ( I know you're thinking, it's black, it's hot, but it does protect you from the sun none the less.)

- A feeling of safety (it's funny how women struggle with that, with or without a headscarf, in or outside of the Middle East)

- Piety (connected with religious beliefs, a given)

- Fashionable (yes there is Abaya fashion, and a style to wear it)

Do I need to go on?

2. What are the pros and cons of wearing an abaya or it being enforced?   The laws behind wearing a headscarf are for that country to decide, not for some ordained "enlightened" perspective forced upon another people because you're uncomfortable with it and one more thing ..  HAVE SOME FUCKING RESPECT FOR THE WOMEN WHO DO CHOOSE TO WEAR A HEADSCARF BECAUSE IT IS WHAT THEY BELIEVE IN, AND FOR THE WOMEN WHO HAVE WORN IT DESPITE THEIR OPPOSITION TO IT, HAVE RESPECT FOR THEIR STRENGTH.

3. Is it a war zone because off ISIS? Not every part of the Middle East is a war zone. Let me just by extension say that the Middle East is a large place, each country has it's own way of life that is unique to it. We're not a wash of color for you to generalize and stereotype. So yea in agreement to your "comment" There could have been a better way to represent the Middle East, but my work wasn't about representing all of the Middle East, it was about representing an aspect of the Middle East, my own life, my own UNIQUE personal experience. It isn't FAIR to even say my work represents the Middle East as a whole, it does not. 

4. How do I feel about the military presence in the Middle East? It's exactly how I responded, I don't get to have an opinion that matters. I don't get to make that decision, or do anything to change it. That is a privilege I wasn't born to. The military is there by allowance of a power out of my reach. I can kick and scream and protest, or I can agree, it wouldn't change a thing.

Those are the biggest questions that were asked. I'm not going to answer every single one because overall it would be a novel and I'm not here to type that out. I am angry, I am pissed, and I know Jacob isn't losing sleep over what he wrote to me, and that's ok. I hope he doesn't lose sleep, I don't wish him ill. I just wish him better understanding in the future.

I wanted to do this series because I wanted to feel empowered by the grey area I had lived in for so many years. I wanted to feel proud of who I was as a unique individual, torn between many different ideals that don't quite fit here nor there. I have felt smothered by being unable to speak at either side, I'm not Arab enough or I'm not Westernized enough, I never have a say in anything. This comment made me feel like again I don't get to have a voice or opinion, towards my own life.

One final thing, 

There could have been a better way for you to phrase what your wrote in my book, and to represent yourself.

Does passion die?

I've battled with this question quite a bit lately. The main reason I'm wondering this is because I feel like I'm at some sort of fork in a road, perhaps it's just my imagination and perhaps it's hesitation, fear or who knows?

This past semester in school was my first semester back into sculpture and thinking truly as conceptually as I would like to. I feel however, even though I was deep in my thoughts with my work, and convinced that what I was doing mean't something at the time I was doing it, it all fell flat when it came to my grades or the responses I got.

A thought that's been gnawing at me lately and I haven't confronted it fully yet. The thought is, what if I'm not an artist but just an appreciator of art? What if I value other people's thoughts, feelings, depictions more than my own?

I have too much on plate when it comes to the reality of my life. How far do I have to leap for art in order for it to be worth something to me, and others? Do I relinquish my sleep, my sanity, my eating, for something that in the end is just a matter of opinion?
People always tell me, that opinion is just that, but I can't get past understanding how opinion still holds so much sway in everything from grades to the shoes you wear and in what flies or dies in this world. How can I say it's nothing, when it's everything?

My relationship with art has felt strained, and forced, not in the sense that I'm forcing myself to be an artist, but I have this idea that I will never scale with anyone ever, so what is the point of my voice being heard? I do think I try, but is it worth the energy if it always falls on deaf ears?

If I were to try and answer my own question I would say this: Passion doesn't die, but it can lay dormant. The choice of dying with it dormant is all yours, but how do you wake it?
Are the people whose opinions I hold so greatly worth anything at all? Is a grade, just an opinion?

Society has a way of fucking itself over, and then people wonder why they're so fucked up. Make it stop.

Wrapped Up Dead Fish

I have been quiet, or at least it feels so.  For a while I have felt like speaking a truth has just been painful.
Too painful to be worthwhile. I always seem to end up crying and well crying in public is not exactly something I want to do, or care to do. I don't want to be "that person". I treat myself like I am "that person".

I found that lately I just cloth myself in whatever is convenient and doesn't accentuate - me. The more I hide myself the less I have to deal with the things that bother me about myself, or what bothers people about me.
I can be quiet and I can just slip away without anyone noticing.

It's startling when I talk to people who love me, like family, or friends. They get excited to see me, or be around me, which is a wonderful thing however I haven't been in a place of excitement for myself lately. What once felt like love from people who cherish me, suddenly feels like people drowning me. I am told left and right what I 'should' or 'shouldn't' do . I get lost in the sway of left and right, exhausted and dizzy. I just leave. I'm happy I'm loved, but I'm not happy with being smothered by it.

I'm 28. It's painful saying it, not because I feel old, but rather because I feel like I'm 16, and still being told what to do. Maybe I've just given my identity away to other people. The common saying "going with the flow" - I was once told there was a flipside to that, which is that "only dead fish go with the flow."
It's been a while since I've felt like the dead fish going with the flow.

A couple of weeks ago, I was attending several student presentations for school and by the end of all of them I realised that I felt like I was choking on air. My throat was tight, and I felt like I was about to just burst into tears for what seemed like no apparent reason. Teachers were trying to make conversation with me and I was trying to dash out as quickly as possible so I could get home and just exhale.

While people presented I kept feeling like a blanket was being put over my face, or that I was in a straitjacket. I panicked.

I'm doing a sculpture piece/video piece on being wrapped up. It has many many connotations for me, but I'm sure when I get there and present, it will appear as though I "half assed" it. What is said in my silence, or introversion could never equate to importance. I'd like to think it does, but let's be real here for a moment, people say they need to hear everything, but when they do, they just try to smother it. So what's the use of being honest when you're just going to shame it?

Who,What,When, and Where? (How Am I this Person?)

"Why are you like this?" I remember being asked that when I was 16.

"Are you a Muslim?" funny I was asked this when I was 13 by mother and again at 17 by a girl from my school.

"You can't be 100% Arab, are you sure you aren't Indian?" I was asked that 17 as well. 

Guess what? I have a solid answer to one of those questions: Yes, inbreeding.

Why am I like this? Let's define the "THIS" shall we:

1. Not wearing a headscarf

2. Opinionated towards customs and traditions

3. Opinionated towards political beliefs

4. Not particularly religious

So my answers come with some form of self censorship because believe it or not, I do agree with an "Arab" and "Islamic" custom of keeping others privacy "Istir 3ala '3airak" (Arabizi) to translate that it means "To "curtain" upon someone else". (I don't always agree with this sentiment though)

When you're a kid you live in the bliss of your own ignorance. When you get older you begin to figure out things aren't exactly how they seemed at all. Here are my answers:

1. I don't wear a headscarf because I don't believe that I should have to wrap myself up if a man doesn't. I'm not owned by this person, I'm not a possession. I don't believe in keeping the "freshness" of my beauty for someone else. I don't believe by not wearing a headscarf I'm "fair game". I don't believe women who wear the headscarf are necessarily modest, or uphold modesty. I don't believe it hides your beauty, and I don't believe it shields you from rapists, or abusive men. I don't dress like a hooker, I don't act like a hooker, and I'm not asking to get looked at. Plus don't men get looked at too? I can keep going if you want. I'm not disrespecting other people's comfort, or personal reason for wearing a headscarf, my mother wears one, my aunts wear them, they feel secure, they feel like they are a part of their culture or tradition, they are happy, they can be fashionable with them.. etc etc.. it's just not for me

2. Customs and traditions that no longer serve the benefit of your people, that can be very detrimental psychologically as well as physically - should be abolished the moment that realization is made. Abolished maybe a strong word, so here's the sugar coated way to put it "Not everything is everyone's business". My marriage, my hymen, my body, my life. FUCK YOU.

3. Not everything is black and white, it doesn't take a genius to figure that one out. A King is the sugar coated version of something that rhymes with Operator. 

4. I can remember the day someone told me that all non Muslims go to hell unless they are REALLY REALLY good or translation - as close to being Muslim as possible. That wasn't going to fly in my brain because I loved my Thursday Mom so much, and I had met so many nice Christian people, that honestly have treated me better than my muslim family and friends. 

Let me top off this nice glass of lemonade by adding a few more things:

- Gossiping old ladies and aunties who feel they have a say in someone's life when they don't even have a conversation with them can go role play Dumbo with their old lady skin. 

- Polygamy - only works if everyone is HAPPY about it.  Which from my experience has NEVER been the case and has made the children of ALL those marriages into unhappy adults. So again UNLESS ALL ARE HAPPY AND DO I MEAN FUCKING ECSTATIC ABOUT IT IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.

You know what the biggest joke of all is? I spent most my life in a Muslim Arab society, and the only reason I ever strayed away is because of the people themselves and their contradictions. So if you are looking to give me crap about my choices here's my answer: YOU BROUGHT ME HERE

P.S. SHORTBREAD WAS RESTOCKED