Stand Still

So this is the start of my being here:
Allergies, Cold, Lack of Computer, Lack of energy, Heavily Chlorinated Water, Bad Customer Service, a Bathroom that refuses to function and last but not least Roaches.

All that including my dysfunctional family with it's many convoluted problems that would only make sense in a  soap opera.

It's only been 6 months since I left before and honestly - I don't think that was long enough of a break from this place. I'm back and truth be told I already want to leave. I don't know how I did it for 4 years.

For the first time ever home has not felt like home. I've had the same bedroom for years and even my bed doesn't feel the same. My anxiety level apparently shot up more because yesterday my forearms were hurting  which has never happened before.

I've been avoiding seeing my extended family for sometime now. If my own father thinks I'm fat I can only imagine what his bitchy witchy sisters think of me. If their hawk eyes land on you prepare to be gazed upon and judged oh but don't worry - it's only out of love for you that they do this - No really! it's love! because they never call you, agree with you, spend time with you, or have anything to do with you on their own accord until you allow yourself to be their pawn.

Not all my aunts are like this - only the ones from my paternal side of the family. Oh pssh don't judge me for talking smack about them behind their backs! Gossip is their specialty. It's a thing here you know, in the land of dust,wind and "black gold". "Everybody knows everybody" and everybody talks smack about everyone else. Rumors spread like wildfire and if you're female your life is over and if you're male.. there's a chance for redemption and forgiveness.

Men get a lot of flack for being the oppressors of the females within the Middle East. I hate to say it but they aren't the only culprits. Women themselves would back stab each other, gossip and destroy one another just as malevolently as a man would oppress here. Cattiness is a sport. Old women definitely take part as well.

I'm sure many of you who have been reading my blog lately have noticed that I have become quite inflamed with rage lately. I'm not asking you to agree with it or be engulfed by it. I do apologize if it is becoming redundant. This place leaves me stumped in that anger and it's easy for me to get halted.

It's only been a week and I feel mentally and physically exhausted and stressed. I have to pull out at least another month. Wish me luck. Oh and I know many tell me that I should use my art as a way to soothe my frustration. I will be honest Art has not had the same place in my heart for a long time now. As a teenager and during my early college years I really was living and breathing it.

I'm not inspired. It depresses me to admit that - it makes me question my very purpose when I say it too. I'm mad if anything. I don't believe in my art the same way I used to. "I can always be replaced or forgotten - and I will never be trendy or accepted enough to ever get any acclaim." Those are my truest and most honest feelings. I want to break free of them and convince myself I can do great things but in a place where you are so small and feel so small, how big can you truly be with your beliefs? I feel all I'm doing is jumping hurdles and I never get a chance to look back and see how far I've come.

By the time I do look back, it feels like it's already too late to celebrate it. The joy had just slipped away like a fleeting moment.

WAAAAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH cry me a river.

Here you go -
Kittens..