What might have been & What is.

What if's are a wormhole of questions leading you right back to your initial what if question.
What if I were raised differently? What if things went smoothly when I was growing up?
What if my parents truly loved each other? What if -

All that spattering of daydreams can feel good when you start to think about it but it will leave you hurt and disappointed in the end - because all you really wanted to get out of those self imposed inquiries is hope that maybe you could be something more than what you are now.  When you come back to reality you don't always take into account how much you are worth.

Does this make any sense? Probably not! But you'll get back to me I'm sure when the time comes. I hope at least. Which brings me to another point - Feedback and dialog are things that I feel I miss out on.

Growing up as a girl in one of the wealthiest countries in the world beckons the preconceived notion that I am in some ways a "Princess". True royalty would beg to differ. My self esteem would beg to differ as well.
To quote Depeche Mode "the lord himself would blush." 

There is also this assumption that I am happy that I am different. It's a silver lining - but also a noose. Everyone has a unique circumstance that shapes them into who they are today. One of my teachers left me a note in my yearbook saying "The road less traveled is a lonely one." He nailed it. 

Not much was ever expected of me because I am girl. I'm a woman now and I feel like I'm walking that silver lining like I'm part of a  circus act. 

This week has been particularly hard on me. I have never felt like a stranger in my own house - I have never felt like an outsider to my family to this degree. I know this is another growing pain but in my mind it leaves me homeless. Although I do I have a home - it isn't a place - it is a person. In that persons absence I am anxious and hollow. 

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this blog. Honestly I think I'm just looking for more vocalized support. I know I'm not 3 but that pat on the back that you get when you succeed, I never got that when I was younger. I begged for it from people outside my family. My art and this blog are the few places where I try to reach out to others. 

I leave a lot of projects unfinished when I feel I can't start a dialog with anyone about them. With the contrast of school and criticism over constructive criticism it literally makes me want to kill myself. That won't solve anything though. 

Also I would like to thank those of you who do support me and follow my blog. You will not go unappreciated in my book. 

To start a dialog of some sort with my work - so that I can actually .. feel like I'm making something worthwhile with art instead of digging my "uniqueness" into a grave; I am going to post some pictures of unfinished paintings and I would like some feedback - but make it constructive not just sledgehammering ok? 

P.S. some of these are old - like 1-2 years old and unfinished.

This piece is inspired by an old drawing I did in High School with Watercolor Pencil and withering flowers. 

Hair as you might have known from a previous blog post is an inspiration for me. It is part of my cultural upbringing and I did have a yard long braid at some point. I try use hair as an extension of emotion. This applies also to the painting below.

The second painting was in response to my growing love of origami cranes. This painting is incomplete till this day. I am somewhat afraid of finishing it to be quite frank. I enjoy the airiness of the colors an the white. I am curious if anyone knows an artist that uses oils but creates complete and "simplistic" portraits. 

Now.. please say something